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[29 Jun 2008|02:54am]
I've been thinking a great deal, recently, about how I have effectively abandoned the principles I once insisted upon upholding. It wasn't a conscious decision and I wouldn't say that I suddenly find myself a terrible person.. I show up to work on time, I work hard, I love my friends sincerely, I call my father regularly, I pay the rent on time.

There is nothing extraordinary about my life. I am a product of middle class America. I have a degree in Fine Arts that continues to become more meaningless with every passing day. I live in New York somewhat out of revenge. I do not ever ask for help anymore. I do not trust a single soul.

I'm not stupid. I know how to fix the external issues. I don't know why I choose not to. I can no longer ignore the very real fact that I am finally - really, truly, no joke - getting older. This is the inescapable truth that informs me of all of the things I will not become.

I will not be an archaeologist. I will not be a supermodel. I will not be a rockstar. I will not be a wild, young genius. I will never be the hot, fearless, wandering voice that abuses the limitless horizon.

I am embarrassed by my arrogance and my ambivalence. I know very well that there will be no reward for my hesitation. I know now that patience is not the same as waiting.

And really, as ridiculous as it may sound, what I this all comes down to is:

If one more person tells me that they respect me or love me or admire me I will seriously lose my fucking shit. And not because that isn't all very nice to hear...
It's sweet, and I appreciate the sentiment.. but dang, doo. It is SO misplaced.

Plain and simple, I am a right mess, and the fact that no one sees that makes me feel like I am living the most sickening charade.

Go me. A+ for being such a charming little liar.
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wow [10 Feb 2007|01:03am]
it has been a long. long. long. time, huh? how's it going, kids?

sooo.. man, how do i even begin to do a recap? it's been, what, nine months?

i'll try my best:

i guess when we left off i'd just moved out of my amazing-even-by-new-york-standards apartment. things with the boy i was convinced i'd be sharing a bed with indefinitely came to a very definite end. i did the whole shut-in bit. didn't want to see anyone. didn't want to do anything. couldn't think/eat/sleep. drank a lot. watched a nauseating amount of old french films. listened to "never my love" by the association on repeat.

but there's nothing like being single in the summer in new york city to pull one out of a deep funk. and so this last summer was a complete blur of open bar parties at the soho grand, free shows at mccarren pool, trains to long island beaches, boys i'll hopefully never see again, massive amounts of vodka and blow, rolling through the city with an obscenely beautiful and intimidating pack of women, and an overall complete disregard for anything more than "where are we going next?"

i think that kind of heartbreak requires a certain amount of self-destruction. diving head-first into a messy disaster is, for me, an incredibly effective form of exorcism. Nothing like coming face to face with that seductive bitch who dares you to cross the line for real to bring everything you have to lose into sharp focus.

so i rekindled old love affairs with bad habits that i am slowly, very, very, slowly... very very slowly trying to put the breaks on. there was the inevitable, painful relapse somewhere around september when the boy i'd been trying to drink/snort/fuck out of my every waking though resurfaced with tears and promises and apologies. even now i'll admit that, even though i've told him that the locks have been changed and there's no coming home, i'd probably open the door if he knocked. but that's neither here nor there. he's not going to come knocking. that much is clear.

at any rate, i surrendered blindly; euphorically. and then i went to florence. he went to rome. and it became terribly clear that there would be no reconciliation. i sulked over drinks in the piazza di sant'ambrogio, sadly aware of the two hour train ride that would never be made.

and so, back in new york, i cut things off. made a real effort at getting on with it. accepted an unbelievably fantastic job offer with another agency in soho (in my interview i admitted that i had no experience but promised to prove myself to be a serious rockstar). Worked (still do) furiously. Was given a ridiculous raise and complete control over one of our biggest accounts in the first month, moved out of my six floor walkup that i shared with my lovely, but totally out of control best girl, and am now, one week into a new place with a real kitchen and a real bedroom and a sunlight! and a roof deck! and an honest-to-goodness livingroom with plenty of space for my barcelona chair!.... finally in the process of reconsidering the future. paying bills on time. saving money. just generally slowing down enough to actually pay attention to making things better as opposed to just making it through the day.

that's where we're at, more or less. fast forwarding through a decent little breakdown and finding myself in a very okay place. (which, i am not yet above mentioning, is more than we can say for the miserable ex).

hope you're all well. hugs and kisses.

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[19 May 2006|01:56pm]
don't know if i've posted this here before,


despite all of the bullshit that's gone down since i've moved here, i really do love new york city in so many ways...
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[24 Apr 2006|05:32pm]
spent the first night in my new apartment..

funny because i technically "moved in" on the 6th. the idea of sleeping alone in that place made my heart race, though.. so i stayed in my friend's spare room one floor up. i still don't have any pots or pans. still sleeping on an air mattress.

it's feeling better. i pace a lot. drink a lot. if i had more motivation, i'd certainly indulge in worse habits. for now, however, i'm making do with a refridgerator stocked only with seltzer water and carrot sticks. familiar. comforting.

i still have no idea how this all happened. i guess i can say that, in my rational moments, i'm not surprised. but it's still confusing. i don't know what to believe about the situation anymore - he's said almost nothing, and certainly very little that makes any kind of sense - and so i've decided to make up whatever story is going to allow me to get on with my shit.

and as difficult as it is to admit, i know that this is neccessary. already i've started to notice the parts of myself that i had tucked away because i'd been made to feel ashamed of them, resurfacing. now it will be my home. and i'll wear whatever shoes i like. and listen to whatever music i like. and hang whatever i like on the walls. i'll remember how it was me who taught him about wine and good food and cooking. and it was only after me that he'd ever even think about buying the white resin deer head and the framed owl print. i'm the one who convinced him that old didn't mean worthless. i bought him the raymond pettibone print. i'll know that i was the one who had the courage to tell him exactly how i felt. everything. even if it made me seem foolish. and i know that he'll always think of me on sunday mornings when he gets to the crossword at the back of the new york times magazine. maybe it isn't much, but it's some kind of solace.
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thin [04 Apr 2006|01:13pm]
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[17 Mar 2006|03:23pm]
well y'all.

my bags are packed.

and i guess that's that.
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[06 Mar 2006|10:40am]
Today I am experiencing an overwhelming desire for old hats.

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Burberry Prorsum [25 Feb 2006|10:44am]
New Autumn/Winter Collections are up..

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[17 Feb 2006|03:03pm]
i know it's awful of me to think, "maybe you'll notice me in my absence."

but i can't help it.

and also - it's hard for me to go away on my own, and that, to me, is a major red flag.

so i bought a train ticket to boston for the weekend.

it makes me sick to my stomach that he didn't flinch when i said i was leaving.

sort of begs the question, "do i bother ever coming home?"
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[13 Feb 2006|06:39pm]
so fashion week madness is over and now it's really, really winter.

i have my review in a couple of days. i still don't know where i'm going. for once, though, it honestly feels okay.
i feel like i've made a huge effort this last year and that i've jumped eyes-closed and fingers-crossed into things that were terrifying.

and maybe it will pay off and maybe it won't. we'll see.

tonight i'm going out with the boys for margaritas, guacamole and fried plantains.

roll a fatty, watch a documentary on creatures of the deep sea, fall asleep with my cheek pressed up against my baby's warm back.
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we took turns shoveling [12 Feb 2006|08:23pm]
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greetings from new york city! [12 Feb 2006|01:08pm]
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[09 Feb 2006|11:26am]
I assisted a stylist on a shoot a month or so back for free.

I'd never done it before.. was curious.. sounded fun?

Today I just got offered my first paying stylist gig. WTF. $300 for a day of steaming.

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[07 Feb 2006|04:15am]
mj a/w 06


it's 4am and we just finished editing the images from the show.

the new collection should be online shortly:


heading home now.
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[04 Feb 2006|11:06pm]
booze. schmooze. snooze.

the collection preview was meh.

lots of doughy, aging, british women doing blow in the bathroom.

hope mj's show on monday is more exciting.

left early to go home and paint my nails.

what a blast!!!
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[03 Feb 2006|05:00pm]
sue stemp show is tomorrow.

somewhere to be other than at the kitchen table, silent and chain smoking.

certain to be a real self-esteem booster. i feel absolutely awful. not just unloved but unlovable.

and i feel like it's one hundred percent justified.
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[02 Feb 2006|01:22pm]
his relationship status says: it's complicated

i want to know why it's complicated.
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[27 Jan 2006|12:06pm]
the office is filled with models.

casting for a show.

personal nightmare.
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ho hum [07 Jan 2006|05:42pm]

ColorQuiz.com niki+++ took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Desires protection against anything which might ex..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

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[16 Sep 2005|06:56pm]
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